Saturday, January 22, 2011

What's on the Nook?

*Pokes head in door and adjusts big cone-shaped hat.* “Excusest me kind peoples. Wouldest thou pointest me in the direction of a guild of Paranormal scribes?” *Stares for a second.* Wouldest thou have seen them. They art...”

*Sighs.* “A little help here. Has anyone seen a group of paranormal writers? Anyone? Hello? Demon looking for paranormal writers.”

*Grabs long hair and begins to pull it through door. Hair pulls back.* “Fred! Let go.” *Braces foot on door jamb.* “Listen you over grown lizard, let go before I sell you to KFC, they roll you in eleven herbs and spices, and stuff your ass in a bucket.” *Wig slips off head and disappears through door.*

“Can you believe it? That wig is gonna cost me. They’re not cheap. Fred will eat anything. No, really. I’ve been having a hard time getting my mail lately. The mail carriers keep disappearing. It’s a good thing he’s not into ‘fine dining’.”

“Then there was Mrs. Sneider’s Bichon Frise, he burped up hairballs for a week. She called the animal control officer on me. Have you ever tried to explain how your twenty- foot dragon got out of the yard and ate fluffy? And of course, she accused Fred of leaving the yard muffins all over her front lawn too. Something about flaming piles of...” *Snort* “I told her it was fluffy. Fred uses her rose garden in the back yard. Besides, I really don’t know how that gate got open.” *Shrugs.*

“Flipping dragons! You can’t live with them and they make too large a meal for one. Well, I can see I’m a little overdressed. You could have told me we weren’t doing the whole role-playing thing. And to think I went out of my way to do the Mid-Evil wench thingie. See this corset. Do you have any idea how tight you have to yank the stays to get the pumpkins up to your chin? Never mind.” *Snaps fingers and changes to stilettos, and three-piece suit. Sits on desk and crosses legs.* “That’s better. From the look of it, it was going to be hard to find someone here that would climb up my hair and rescue me anyway.”

“Hi, my name is Bunny. I’m a demon.” *Holds finger up in the air.* “Wait, I know.” *Claps hands and massive tome drops on desk. Flips it open.* “Dwarfish, no. Goblin...ish? Draculainian? Isn't that like--Slavic or something? *Glances up.* Hmmm. Maybe. Fairy? I know, I know. It’s not fffffairy. It’s Sidhe, or Fae. Pixies. Whatever. A fairy is a fairy and they all have attitudes. Little bastards. Have you ever seen Tinkerbell when she has PMS? TinkerHell is more like it.”

*Flips page.* “Wait, wait, wait. Here it is...” *Clears throat.* “Work with me, okay. I am multi-lingual, but Elvish isn’t one of my languages. I’m fluent in Southern Sucubi. It’s the same as Northern, just less suck.” *Glances around silent room.* “That was a joke. I wasn’t serious. Lighten up, would you?”

“Mellon en amin!” *Smiles.* “Amin Irma quen.”

*Silence.*

“Hello. Anyone out there speak Forest Elf?”

*Raises brow.* “No? You’ve got to be kidding. There isn’t a single person in this group that can? You people are an interesting bunch. Fantasy writers, paranormal writers?” *Snort.* “Can’t even speak Elvish.

Okay, let’s keep this in plain English then.” *Raises brow.* “You do know English?”

“Hey, put that dagger down. Yes, you in the back. Put it down, or Fred’s going to have an early lunch. He enjoys take-out now and again. Yeah, I know. Fast food is bad for you, clogs the arteries, but…,” *leans closer,* “you don’t look all that fast. Still a little sluggish from Nano, I’ll bet. Mmmm, McWriter. A little sweet and sour sauce and...”

“Oh, where was I?”

“Yes. As I was saying. I’m Bunny and I’m a demon. Don’t say it, your really don’t want too. I’ll stick you with my pitchfork and roast you till crispy. Just because I look all cute, uh sexy with this tail and horns, doesn’t mean I can’t do damage. I’m the original Femme Fatale. I'm not overly fond of carrots either. Chocolate will do. I adore cookies, Devil's food cake... Sorry, I start thinking about chocolate and it's all over.”

*Yawns and stretches.* “Such a long night. I had this date with a hot Hell Lord. Met him at one of those internet dating sites. You can never trust those internet-dating services. I did specifically ask for an Axe Murderer.” *Rolls eyes.* “Instead, I got matched with this lame-ass demon that sat on my couch, drank all my beer, and forgot to put the toilet seat down when he snuck out in the early morning hours.”

“Anyway, we went out on this date. A pool party. My neighbor has a lava pool. It’s all the rage. We mingled, drank cocktails and every now and then, we’d shove a telemarketer, banker or politician in. Don’t look at me like that. *Puts hands on hips.* I’m a demon, not an angel. You should try it sometime. Very liberating. I haven’t had that much fun since the Dark Ages.

*Glances at watch.* Damn. I’m late. I have a fitting for a wedding dress. *Claps hands together.* I can’t wait to see his face. Please don’t say anything if you see him. It’s a surprise and I really don’t want to have to hunt him down if he catches on early. It’s such a pain. Tracking them from work, following them out and harassing anybody they see. Do you know what I mean? It’s so much easier to blindside them before they know what you’re up to. Still, being late, it is the fashionable thing to do and believe me, I'm all about fashion. So I'll sit and chat for a minute if you don't mind."

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately.” *Waves hand.* “I know, I know, idle minds are the devil’s playground, or is it the hands? Never mind. Trust me; the devil’s playground isn’t your hands or your mind. It’s the DMV. That’s right you heard me.” *Leans closer.* “The Department of Motor Vehicles. I have to tell you, my license is up for renewal soon and I just cringe at the thought of going in there. First, you have to wait for hours, usually next to someone who sweats profusely and doesn’t know the purpose of deodorant. Then the ladies room is out of order and if you get out of line to use it, someone steals your place.”

“Anyway, the woman that sits behind the counter and takes your picture... She’s EVIL and believe me; I know evil when I see it. Seriously—as in spawn of Satan—Minion of Beelzebub—Henchwoman of Lucifer. A true sadist. I spent a good four hours on my hair and make-up. The outfit I wore was brand new and there isn’t a garment around that looks bad on me. *Snort.* It’s true, what do you expect, I’m a demon, I’m the epitome of sin, sex and everything that’s bad for you. I’m supposed to look hot. Sue me. We own all the lawyers anyway.”

“Oh where was I...Oh yes, this outfit. A toad couldn’t make it look bad.” *Tosses hair.* “But that woman, that woman at the DMV snapped my picture for my new driver’s license and I looked hideous. Then to make matters worse, she wouldn’t take another. This time it better be different.” *Shakes pitchfork* “Bunny’s got your number.” *Digs in purse.* “No really, I’ve got it right here. It was a bitch getting it, but oh boy is it going to be worth it when she opens her Facebook and sees it plastered all over the internet. *Grins.* “We own the telemarketers too. Who’d you think they worked for?” *Eyes glow red.*

“Anyway, the reason I decided to visit... The ladies of Paranormal Romantics are talking about what they’re reading. Since I’ve got a lot of things on my Nook, I had to stop by. Where’s D L? Oh she’s here, but you know, possession is 9/10th of the law. *Smiles.* Where was I. Yes, when I scroll down the list, the theme seems to be debut novels. I got an advance reader’s copy of First Grave on the Right, and since it’s got a hero I can appreciate, I thought I’d take a moment to share my thoughts.”

“First off I have to tell you First Grave on the Right has the three F’s I look for in a romance novel.”

“Fun—the humor is top notch.”

“Fresh—not your mamma’s paranormal smut.”

“And lots of f…fulfilling romance.” *Buffs nails on skirt* “Seriously, you didn’t think that kind of language comes out of my mouth? I might be a demon, but I do have standards. Do you have any idea how much this smile cost me? Fangs are not easy to get ground down and still look natural. But I digress. I’m here to talk about the book, not moi.”

“As I said, the hero was someone I could appreciate. Reyes is hot, of the supernatural variety and I thought I’d met him before…then realized he wasn’t the same. My bad. But you can understand my mistake; I mean the guys down in hell are pretty hot. Again, it’s that whole temptation thingie.”

*Sighs.*

“And the other novels… We’ll I’ve got Song of the Scarabaeus. Loved the dark theme of this novel, even if I would classify it as a sweeter romance or science fiction with romance elements. I wish it had more of the sex.” *Rolls eyes.* “Yeah, I said it. Bunny doesn’t do sweeter. It’s in my contract. Anyway, you can appreciate a novel where the hero is a criminal on the lamb.” *Sighs* “Now that’s what I’m talking about. Who doesn’t want to meet a cute sociopath?”

*Taps nails on desk.* “Hmmm what else?”

“Oh yes. I opened up my email yesterday and Tara Maya had sent me her debut story, Unfinished Song: Initiate. Can’t wait to start.

I also have quite a few of Jayne Ann Krentz’s novels. The Burning Lamp trilogy is what I’m currently into. Love curses—love them, and her heroes are hot. Oh speaking of hot…”

*Glances at wristwatch.* “A wedding dress awaits. Lovely chatting with you, but I really need to go. I’ll stop by again and visit someday.”

“Ciao.”

*Vanishes in a puff of smoke.*

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mmm to First Grave on the Right - when something is hyped so much it's intriguing. It was funny but not hilarious. I didn't think it was romantic at all. Reyes might have made it to my bad boy list but he's hardly in it. I wished for more but its not bad.

Laurie A. Green said...

Thanks, Bunny, for that...uh, very original take on First Grave on the Right. I won an Advanced Readers Edition from a contest on Goodreads and I LOVED this book! It was one of the most entertaining Paranormals I've read in a very long time--not only funny, but chilling and moving at times, too. And Reyes...oh yes, definitely sizzlin' hot. Definitely YOUR kind of hot, Bunny. *grins*

Now, begone! Release D L, I say!

Joann said...

I LOVE THIS POST...now I have to find this book!! *big grin* I like Bunnie too!

Joann said...

Oh Lord, so Bunny doesn't get her panties in a bunch--I came back to spell it correctly. I actually am going to read this again, lmao!!

D L Jackson said...

It's B-U-N-N-Y, Sistah. As in Hippity-Hop, but with fangs and attitude. And horns, mustn't forget the horns. Do you like them? I just got them done. They called the color chocolate cherry but I think it's more of a burgandy. I'll tell you I had to wait three weeks for the trim and dye job. I guess everyone is horny these days and there's quite the waiting list. *snorts* But you know, a good horn-dresser is hard to find and when you do find one, you don't let them go. No really. I plan on chaining mine in the basement so she's on call.