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| Photo by Selena Koi |
My spouse and I have an agreement. When either of us has a
rotten day, we’re entitled to a five minute rant. It can be over anything, no
matter how important or trivial. The boss must be an alien testing earth defenses
or why would he have me redo that report five times? The children’s behavior can't come from my side of the family; I never sprinkled glitter on the dog. Why has that
cloud been following me all day? The other person must sit still, listening
attentively, saying nothing other than nodding encouragement and making
appropriately sympathetic sounds. At the end of the five minutes, the ranter is
done and feels much better, and the rantee can’t comment on the lunacy of the
rant.
I’ve decided you’ve all earned an end of the year rant from
me about the things in books as a reader that drive me bat nuts.
I like series. I do. I don’t mind when a book hints at the
continuation of the story. But don’t get me interested in a book and the final
page has the death of the hero or heroine and expect me to wait until you get
off your lazy butt and finish the next volume where the person has been
miraculously saved. (Yes, this has happened to me—twice.) Not only will I shoot
daggers of dark thoughts in your direction, I will never ever read anything else
written by you ever again. Not even a shopping list. So there.
2.
Unnecessary deaths
Speaking of deaths, the only reason to kill off a character is
to advance the story. That’s it. That’s the ONLY reason. (I’m shouting, in case
you didn’t know.) If you kill off a character because, “I have to make
the reader feel something” or “It’s an action book and someone has to
die” you’re a rotten writer. And what I feel is that I won’t read
another of your stupid books again.
3.
Surprise! You’re a daddy.
This works in novels set in the past before social media
when a love interest could show up ten years after the fact stupefied to find the
ex-girlfriend is his baby momma. Nowadays, you occasionally read of abandoned
babies or women with hidden or surprise pregnancies, but it’s rare. Let’s face it, in the
electronic age everybody knows everybody’s business. The trope is old and worn
out. Consign it to the “Only in Historical Novels" bin.
4.
Names that are wrong for the time period
I don’t care if you love the name Madison, your favorite
daughter, aunt, cousin, nephew (I don’t judge) or niece is named Madison and
you swore to them all you’d dub the heroine in your historical novel Madison. No
one in 1880’s Gilded Age New York City ever had a daughter named Madison. The
name didn’t become trendy until after the movie Splash hit the screen a century
later. I once started reading a book, came across Gilded Age Madison
immediately tossed it aside and struck this author off my reading list forever.
Blech. This is just plain laziness. It only takes a few seconds to Google
appropriate names.
5.
Glossaries
I hate to break it to you, but you’re not J. R. R. Tolkien.
He’s allowed to have glossaries because he was a master linguist and actually
invented languages that made sense. You can’t. You’re not that
smart. I’m not that smart. However, if you write fantasy or science fiction a
few invented words are allowed. That’s part of the fun of writing, but if your book requires a glossary, you’ve just written a
rotten book. Nobody wants to go flipping back and forth trying to find what the
heck a skylxy is and why it gamborth the flooz nords. Edit that hot mess
immediately.
There. That’s it. My five minutes are done. Your turn. I won’t judge even if you sound nuts.
L. A. Kelley writes science fiction and fantasy adventures with humor, romance, and a touch of sass. Her family considers her a ranter extraordinaire.
