Friday, October 1, 2021

Stealing Joy by Diane Burton

 


This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC


An interesting blog title caught my eye the other day. Comparison is the Thief of Joy by Kristine Kathryn Rusch.

How often do we compare ourselves to others? As a young mother, a teacher, family member, a writer? I’m sure we’ve all had occasion to compare ourselves to someone else. A fellow teacher’s class is better behaved than mine; a friend’s kids are smarter than mine; my brother makes more money; an author friend sells more books. I could go on, but you get the picture.

What does this comparing do to us?

Make us jealous? Resentful? It steals the joy from what we are, what we have.

Shortly after I started writing as a career, I attended an all-day conference with Emma Merrit. What a great writer. She told a story of perseverance. How, when her husband was dying, she sat in his hospital room and wrote her story that was on deadline. Even though I hadn’t published and knew nothing about publisher deadlines, I thought “Wow!” That’s dedication.




As I’ve written before, my husband has had a lot of health issues that started during (but not related to) covid. So, as I became his full-time caregiver and did all the household chores he used to take care of as well as my own, my writing tapered off. Not an abrupt halt, just a petering out of creativity and energy. It was too much to open the file on my latest WIP. As he grew worse, and I spent hours in the hospital with him, I felt numb. I could manage the household, the bills, the visits during which he slept, but I couldn’t open a file.

 And I thought about Emma Merritt. She wrote while her husband was dying, and I couldn’t even open a darn file?

I didn’t think about what I was accomplishing. Since we both retired, we’ve always shared household chores. I left the physically hard work to him, while I made sure we had clean clothes and meals. I cooked, he cleaned up, and vice versa. Even through lower back pain that makes walking difficult, I went to the hospital every day, sometimes twice, and walked down long corridors to his room. We didn’t talk much. He’d ask about the kids then doze off, and when he awoke, asked the same questions.


On top of all that, covid kept us locked down. For the first half of this year when he was in rehab (2-3 weeks at a time), I wasn't allowed to visit. When he was home, we didn’t go anywhere. Our daughter and daughter-in-law worried so much about us, they kept the grandchildren away so we wouldn’t catch the disease. Isolation changed how we interacted with family and friends. Hubs was told to combat what we thought was the beginning of dementia, he needed to be physically, mentally, and socially more active. Socially? Yeah, right. I’m sure many of you can identify.

And, like most writers (there I go comparing myself), my book sales tanked. Without a new book, readers forgot about me. Without a new book, what was the sense of promoting? And I still couldn’t even open the file and finish a story.

When stress reared its ugly head, I made a decision. I could let covid isolation and Hubs’ illnesses eat me up inside or accept what was my new norm. No more comparing myself to Ms. Merritt. Or anybody. I would do what I could do. And enjoy my new life.


I discovered binge-watching Netflix and Prime. I read and read and read. I played computer games. All passive activities. I didn’t have to think or open any darn files.

Accepting the reality of life freed me to enjoy what I could. This summer, as Hubs recovered and became the man he used to be, I knew I’d made the right decision. I hadn’t allowed comparisons to steal the joy of my life.

As we return to a more “normal” life, I’m slowly getting back to routines and writing. Resentment that I wasn’t as strong, as creative, as energetic as others would have stolen the joy of the last two years. I’m my own person. I do what I can do and enjoy it.

 

 

15 comments:

Nancy Gideon said...

What a great and painfully true post, Di! All those woulda, coulda, shouldas that torment our brains when they could be busy being creative. It's so much easier to blame outside events and situations for our stuck-in-the-muddiness. To push beyond it takes determination and a routine - just a little at first: opening the computer and making some notes, playing with a character sketch, jotting down quick snatches of dialog or a character encounter - every tiny bit adds up to the whole. Get that other person's or a friend's assistance: "Hey, aren't you suppose to be writing now?" "How many pages did you get today?" "Tell me about your latest scene". But don't ever ever ever give up! Stuff happens. Forgive yourself and do what you can with what little time you have. You know the drill . . .

Diane Burton said...

I returned to my local writers' group this week. During critiques, a fellow writer asked about the MC's motivation for what I thought was a more minor event. What a help! You are so right, Nancy. Delving into motivation (or character sketches, etc.), the little bits, brings the story to the front of my mind. Now, it's not letting me go.

We can let comparisons infect our creative energy as much as any virus. Accepting what is can make us healthier. But, in the end, I still have to open a file. LOL

Maureen said...

What a wonderful post, Diane. It is inspiring to hear how strong you have been in the face of so many challenges. I think of you often and admire your strength and perseverance. We are always our harshest judge. I'm glad to hear you are getting back to your writing group and that your hubs is improving.

Jessica E. Subject said...

Very true! All of it! One thing I've learned, especially during the pandemic, is that everyone deals with stress in their own way. No way is right or wrong, but we have to accept that we're not going to get through things in the same way. I'm glad to hear you are able to get back into a routine, but never feel bad about prioritizing other things.

Diane Burton said...

Maureen, thanks so much. It's been a long haul Thanks to wonderful friends who listened to me groan and complain, who offered willing ears and support, Maureen's workshop on Self-Care plus an understanding therapist, I came through. We're never in this alone. Hopefully, I learned something.

Diane Burton said...

Thanks, Jessica. Like so much in writing (well, and in life), we do deal with stress in our own way. We find what works for us. I admire people who can write through stress, energized by it. Others (like me) pull the covers over our heads. You're so right about priorities.

Lucy K. said...

I'm glad to hear your husband is improving and getting back to his old self. Comparing ourselves to others is always self-defeating but it's hard not to do it. Writers especially are great at the comparison game. But it's good you realized that and didn't let it take away what pleasure you could find. I'm sure you'll start opening that file again on a regular basis. One day at a time, right?

Tena Stetler said...

Wow, what a great post. Been there done that. Feb 2021 my hubby and I both come down with COVID. Terrible experience we're still reeling from. I didn't compare myself to someone else (though I did earlier in my career), but to the old me, getting things done, including the book deadlines. Finally I gave up. Discovered, the new normal was just going to have to do. I felt so much better. I still get tired, but stamina is returning, nerve damage is still a thorn in my side, but now I have more good than bad days. The books are getting written though a snafu in production slowed things down a bit. Thanks for sharing, it was an uplifting and informative post!

Diane Burton said...

Lucy, thanks for your comment. One day at a time is right. Comparison is self-defeating, again you're right on target. It gets us nowhere, just spinning our wheels.

Diane Burton said...

Tena, thanks so much. I'm so sorry you & your husband got covid. I can't believe the number of people who still don't believe it's real. I'd heard the effects linger a long time. The production snafu sounds like a blessing in disguise. You're right. We can only do what we can do. I hope your strength & health returns quickly.

Nightingale said...

I'm very guilty of comparing myself as a writer. When I competed with my horses, I compared my abilities with everyone else's. I wish I'd read your post back then! It's easy, but not easy to stop doing it.

Mary Morgan said...

What a beautiful post, Diane! Your post resonated deeply with me and made me smile today. It's been one of those years for me, too. Recently, I stopped worrying, comparing, and stressing about my writing. I focused on life--from tending to my own husband during his surgeries, a mother who needed more care, and enjoying each day without the nagging voice inside of me. It was so freeing! I'm happy to hear your husband is on the healing mend. I'll continue to keep him and you in my prayers.

Mary Morgan said...

One more thought...it's good to hear you're writing again. The muse never leaves us, right? :)

Diane Burton said...

Linda, it is easy to talk/write about, but oh so hard to actually do it. The sports field encourages participants to compare themselves to others. You're ranked. It's part of the culture. We told our kids when they competed to compare themselves with their past performances, not against each other. Not sure if that sank in or not.

Diane Burton said...

Mary, I'm so glad you were able to find that freedom. I hope your husband is on the mend. Although Hubs got wonderful care in the hospital, I hope we don't go back there for a long while. You have a double whammy with your mom needing help, too. So sorry to hear that. You're in my prayers, too.

No, the Muse doesn't leave. Goes on vacation without me sometimes, but never leaves for good. Thank goodness.