Over the last decade or so, spring has brought with it an
unfortunate tradition into my life. I go outside, inspired to garden with all
the lovely flowers and innocent woodland creatures, and upon my return to the
great indoors, it is inevitable. It has an appropriate name: poison oak,
and the things it does to me are not in any way enjoyable. Puffy face. Horrible
rash. Blisters. The itching is the stuff torture chambers in horror movies are
made of. And I’ll be the first to admit that me + poison oak = dark things.
And while I was in that bleak place where I cursed the
outdoors, plants, cats that wander into poison oak and bring it back to me, and
even well-meaning husbands, the dark side of me (oh, yes. She most definitely
exists) was inspired to write this post. What if, instead of beautiful flowers
and edible vegetables, I planted a poisonous garden? *Rubs hands together and
cackles* You never know when you might need to pass on a little poison, and
here are a few plants that might be helpful. You know, so others might share in
the misery.
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| Photo courtesy of Pixabay |
Narcissus. Grinding up its bulb and sprinkling it in…oh, I
don’t know, chocolate chip cookies that your innocent victims won’t suspect…will
cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Too much can be fatal, so use
accordingly. Did you know that this flower was named after the Greek legend Narcissus,
who saw his reflection in water, became obsessed, and fell in? He drowned and
made a comeback as the flower. Also, in ancient times, the flower’s perfume had
a bad rep of causing headaches, madness and death. Definitely a good fit for a
poison plant garden, eh? On the positive side, the bulbs may also be used as an
antiseptic dressing for wounds, and mixing it (not too much!) with honey serves
as a painkiller. I suppose it’s another case of user intent.
Lily of the Valley. Consuming its leaves and flowers will
instigate irregular heart rate, digestive upset and mental confusion. Serving it
to an unlucky, unsuspecting guest might make for good party entertainment, at
least the mental confusion part. Once upon a time, Lily of the Valley was
considered unlucky, said to have sprouted from St. Leonard’s wounds after he
vanquished a dragon. That sounds like good luck to me, but whatever. And the
Irish believe these flowers are used as fairy ladders…with a warning. The
gardener who plants a bed of them will be struck dead in a year. So maybe keep
only one plant in your poison garden. The ying to the poison yang: Lily of the
Valley may alleviate the pain of gout, ease eye pain, restore speech, and help
treat heart disease and memory. So once your victim is poisoned and undergoing
mental confusion, if you’re feeling benevolent (or guilty) maybe you can use
the same plant to restore their memory.
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| Photo courtesy of Pixabay |
Nightshade. If you’re going to have a poisonous plant
garden, Nightshade is a must. All parts of it are fatal, especially the
unripened berries. Ingesting it causes intensive digestive issues, but more
than that, Nightshade is alleged to be a favorite for witch’s spells. In
centuries past, it was rumored that consuming small quantities would allow
visions into the future. Take too much, though, and it’s madness instead. Also
cool, Nightshade is an important ingredient for the flying ointment witches
smeared over themselves to ride the skies. And keeping Nightshade close will
keep evil spirits away. If only it worked on that demon poison oak…
via GIPHY
There are, of course, many other plants you could include in your poison garden, but I believe I’ve given you enough nefarious ideas for one day. Use your powers for good, people. 😊 Do you have any innocent-looking poisonous plants in your backyard? Are you vulnerable to the evils of poison oak like I am?
