The no good, very bad, fairly horrible Halloween costume by Stephanie Beck

In my twenty-six years, I’ve seen some wild costumes. Some have been amazing in their detail (and cost—yikes, $200 bucks for a costume?) and others have been...well, about as lame as my brothers wearing each others’ shirts and saying they were the other for Halloween.

Last year the pinnacle of horrible Halloween costumes came into fashion thanks to a not to be named pirate series starring a metro sexual pirate. Suddenly, a costume I’d seen occasionally over the years was all the rage. Not that I have anything against pirates, mind you. The fictitious kind are super and I love reading about them and even enjoy seeing them once in a while in costumed form.

However, this explosion of pirates simply brought no good. It wasn’t their behavior, oh no, these pirates, despite their loud ‘arrrghs’ and ‘aye aye maties’ were quite nice. It was their costumes. Homemade and store-bought—they were simply disasters waiting to happen.

Never have I seen so many white dress shirts with their cuffs unbuttoned and flared. A few shirts billowed (probably pilfered from their mother or grandmother’s stash left over from the ‘80’s) and by the end of the night, those larger shirts hung to the knees of tired trick or treaters, a safety disaster that led to a more than a few pair of even more ripped little pants. At parties, the sleeves got into the punch bowls, into the games and dragged glue from any kind of craft all over the tables and usually into the next room as well.

Then there was the sash many used on their heads. My favorite find of last Halloween was a ten-year-old boy sporting a red and pink poppy covered bandana, most likely pilfered from yet another mother or grandmother’s closet. Nothing says arrg like a flowered scarf with a nice ribbon edge.

And the eye patch. Who could forget the eye patch? Really? A little kid who is by nature clumsy and excitable and unable to walk a block without tripping over their own feet really needs to cover one eye? Thank goodness by the end of our trick or treating night the little ones had mostly put their patch up.

Last but not least in my world of observations—the drawn on eyeliner mustache.  It starts out so cute. The black eyeliner is a perfect tool. It’s dark and thin and does a really nice little curly mustache and is also great for giving cheeks the five o’clock shadow look. I’m sure my mother used it on us when we were young. The problem, however, occurs when you trick or treat in Minnesota on a cool October evening. By the end of the night, noses will be running and if you use black eyeliner or the like near the nose, it will be smudged—right onto a pirate’s billowing white sleeve.

To each their own, especially in the Halloween costume department, but I’m really hoping the pirate theme cools off this year. Enough swashbuckling and duct taped parrots—let’s see more ninjas or super heroes. Or maybe I am just a fuddy duddy and secretly think my brothers who switched shirts were on to something.

Happy Halloween!

Stephanie Beck

www.stephaniebeck.net

www.facebook.com/StephanieBeckAuthor

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**Name the best and worse costume you’ve ever seen in the comment section.**