My State Monsters
Florida is my state and I’ll be the first to admit it’s
weird. If we’re not ducking natural disasters like hurricanes, zika virus, and
sinkholes that can swallow a town, were dealing with more than our share of
monsters. Despite theories that they prefer dark, shadowy corners, several of
them seem to have settled happily in the Sunshine State.
Myakka Skunk Ape
The Skunk Ape is our version of Bigfoot. It was first
spotted by an unnamed Sarasota woman back in the 1960s who sent the county
sheriff’s department photographs of what she thought was an orangutan in her
back yard. It appeared on three consecutive nights at her house near the Myakka
River, eating apples from her back porch. It smelled awful, hence the name. In
2013, another Floridian took a fuzzy 1:55 minute video on his iPhone of the
Skunk Ape in the Myakka River State Park.
Although Florida wildlife officials deny the existence of
the skunk ape, it’s obviously a government conspiracy, as sightings have been
reported over the years, with the beast showing up in the day and at night, in
all sorts of environments. It appears to favor swampy areas, usually where the
consumption of beer is involved. No way does it look like a guy in a monkey
suit.
Much like Bigfoot, the evidence collected over time consists
of photos, hair samples, and a few foot casts. The Skunk Ape has four toes unlike
Bigfoot, which has five. A website devoted to the creature, The Florida Skunk Ape,
receives several reports of sightings each week, and spikes during football
season when Florida Gator fans hold tailgate parties.
Butt Spider
The Butt Spider is a crafty arachnoid who lurks under toilet
seats and crawls out to bite your butt. Why? No one knows. Again, it’s
suspected beer is involved. Fortunately, there are no pictures.
Muck Monster
The Muck Monster inhabits Lake Worth. It’s reported to be
shy and earned the name “the elusive muck monster” diving to the bottom of the
lake when strangers get within ten feet, leaving only deep ripples in its wake
and empty beer cans bobbing to the surface. No way does it look like a bunch of junk, a gator, or a manatee's flipper in the water, unless you’re sober.
The Devil’s Chair
Cassadaga is a small unincorporated hamlet in Volusia
County. Called the Psychic Capital of the World for the large number of psychic
and medium inhabitants, it also has the Devil’s Chair. Located in a cemetery,
the Devil’s Chair is a wide brick bench. Legend states it was built by the
devil and each night at midnight, he kicks back and puts his feet up. (Probably
with a cold beer.) Rumor says if you sit on it, he whispers evil ideas and
you’re forever haunted by the experience. If you leave a full can of beer on
the chair (unopened) and return the next morning, the can will be empty and
still unopened.
L. A. Kelley writes scify and fantasy adventures with humor,
romance, and a touch of sass. She is proud of her official designation as a
state monster.
4 comments:
Thanks for the fun post. We don't have such monsters in Michigan, so it's fun to read about them in other states. Love the unopened, empty beer can. Good trick. lol
Enjoyed the post!
LOL! These are awesome! I don't think I can top this, but if you hold my beer, I'll try.
What a fun post! I hope to never run into any butt spiders next time I'm in Florida- lol!
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