Bake Around the World, From Home by Elizabeth Alsobrooks

 My New Year's Resolution is to collect and try as many foreign recipes as possible. I started with cookies! Aren't you glad?

I have great sympathy for those of you in lockdown states, but just because you have to stay home doesn’t mean you can’t travel around the world. Years, many years ago I owned a bakery, so baking is my favorite kitchen activity. The last few months I have been baking around the world, from home.

Every holiday season I, like many of you, bake cookies and share them with my neighbors and friends. I have forever made those fun to decorate frosted sugar cookies, but since I retired and followed the sun, I haven’t participated in a cookie making exchange. One of the goodies I missed the most were the pizzelles one of my girlfriends always loved to make at my house because at the time she didn’t have a gas stove. She still used the home-made cookie press her grandfather made and the family brought to the US from Italy. It even bore a family crest. She made both anise and chocolate varieties, one cookie at a time. Stacks and delicious stacks of them!

So, I purchased an electric press (I now have a glass top electric stove) that actually makes 2 cookies at a time. I made both chocolate and anise, some tipped in additional chocolate with chopped pistachio nuts (my hub’s favorites). They were a big hit with friends, the neighbors and my neighborhood watch group. So good, my husband whined that I was giving some away. Here is the link to the recipes I used.

For New Years’, I made French Madeleines. I dipped some in chocolate because my husband actually loves chocolate more than any female I’ve ever met. He’s a self-proclaimed chocoholic. Fine by me! You do need a special pan for this if you want the lovely shell design on one side, but you can find them easily.   Here’s the recipe I used.

Classic French Madeleines Recipe - Baker by Nature

For my husband’s birthday, which is today, actually, I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate frosting.  I wanted to make a Bundt cake for speed and flavor and couldn’t readily find my recipe, so went online to search. The one with best reviews called for a chocolate cake mix and a brownie mix. Really? A mix? scoffed this snobby bakery elitist! Did you know there are recipes for ‘homemade’ box cakes and brownies? Seriously: Homemade Chocolate Cake Mix Recipe | Food Network Kitchen | Food Network

http:/iambaker.net/homemade-brownie-mix/

I also made some Oreshki--Russian Walnut cookies for him to take to work in his lunchbox. This was no mean feat as I had quite a problem finding a walnut cookie press that actually makes ½ a walnut shaped shell cookie, which when stuffed with caramel or some other yummy ingredient is pressed together to make a ‘walnut’ shaped cookie. They are quite popular in Russian, Ukraine and Poland, but I had never had one or personally known anyone to make them. My friend from Czechoslovakia knew what they were but had never had or made them. If you have a gas stovetop, you can easily find an Oreshki press online, but it is much more difficult to find an electric press. Why? They have European plugs. I finally found one on Ebay, and they assured me it had a US plug. Actually, it came with an adapter attached, but it had been wired to adapt to the US outlets. It worked great and I even got one that made 24 nut shells (12 cookies) at once. Russian Walnut Cookies - Momsdish

I made a chocolate variety (I have established why) as well as the traditional sugar cookie type, and honestly think the original tasted best, but hubs liked them both (of course).  The electric press is not as deep as the manual ones for gas stovetop use, so the nuts are not as round an oval as an actual walnut. My husband said they would make great cookies for Easter as they look like eggs--which means he really likes them. He suggested that I could also dip them in . . . you guessed it, chocolate. LOL! Here are the recipes I used for the cookies. Just so you know, you can purchase the Le Leche already made rather than trying to cook unopened cans of sweetened condensed milk (the idea of which was very frightening to me, as I thought they might blow up!).

I don’t JUST bake, or course, and recently ran across a recipe for Machi so that I can use green tea ice cream (found that recipe too!) and make Japanese machi balls! LOVE them! I’ll probably make some in June if not before, as it’s the hottest month of the year here in the desert of AZ. Maybe I’ll share some of my favorite Asian recipes with you sometime!

So, what’s next? How about sending me some delicious cookie recipes from other countries? 

Who doesn’t love a cup of coffee or tea with a cookie while they read?

3 of my Favorite Character Resources

 

It's the month of resolutions, and if yours is that you're going to finally get that novel written but your characters aren't quite popping off the page, then this is the post for you!

This isn't the basic list of getting to know you questions to ask your character (those are great too!). These are a little bit more off the beaten path and great to use after you've flushed out the major and minor chunks that will make up your fictional friend. 

The goal at the end of the day is to share that story floating around in your head, and the characters on the page are the vehicle to do just that. So, we might as well make those characters as visceral as we can. 

1) Writing a Good Gray Character: https://www.writingbeginner.com/how-to-write-morally-gray-characters/

Writing an all-the-way good or all-the-way bad character is pretty standard practice (and there's no shame in that game), but sometimes your story needs a character who is a bit more tricky to play both sides. Christopher does a really fabulous job of breaking down the basics of writing characters who dance the lines of morality, and he does so in an easy-to-understand way. 

2) Learning to Embarrass Your Character: https://www.bryndonovan.com/2017/02/21/cringe-25-creative-writing-prompts-to-help-you-embarrass-your-characters/

You've got the character motivation down, and you've flushed out the overall arc, but there's something that isn't quite working. You can see point B on the storyboard, but there's still a level of your character's inner workings that elude you. Try doing a quick writing session where you embarrass your main character. You might just learn something new!

3) The Lie Your Character Buys Into: https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/character-arcs-2/

This one works really well if you're writing any kind of hero story but can definitely work in other types of stories as well. Either way, understanding what misconceptions your protagonist has about themselves or the world they live in can add a lovely dimension to your overall story because there is so much potential to challenge their misconceptions in meaningful ways all the way up to an ultimately super satisfying climax. 

As an editor and book coach, these are some of my all-time favorite resources to share with my clients whose characters need a little more zest. And, I'll give you the same advice I give them: take what you love and leave the rest because there are endless (good) craft sources. I hope you've found a thing or two to add to your character-building mix. 

Happy writing!

Doing the Scary Stuff by Marilyn Barr

I have blogged about monsters who eat warriors, witches who eviscerate women, and Sluagh phantoms who abduct children. Today I'm blogging about the most scary thing I have ever encountered where naturally I said, "sign me up". I have created a crowd-funding initiative for my first self-published book series. What's so scary? The author puts themselves before the general public and asks for book pre-orders on their reputation and pitch alone. You may think this is easy if the author believes in the story you have written but I have found it is more like Atreyu's journey through the Oracle Gates in the NeverEnding Story. The farther I walk into the process, the louder the doubts in my head become. However, my word for 2022 is "expand" so stepping out of my comfort zone and doing the scary stuff is what I felt I needed to do.

What is KickStarter and crowd-funding for authors? 

KickStarter reminds me of the theater patrons in Regency romance novels. Artists offer part of the creative process (such as early access to their works) in exchange for funding. In the modern world, anyone can back the arts through KickStarter - not just the handsome rogues of the gentleman class.

For authors, KickStarter is a way to collect your pre-orders before the book goes live. The benefits are more than paying your professional editor and cover artist from prepaid royalties. I have had a blast designing reader rewards like bookmarks, journals, and bookset boxes. I'm excited to autograph a giant stack of paperbacks to send out on release day. There is a tier to join my release day Zoom party where I'll be giving away book merchandise from all my series and getting geeked out over the series. Best of all, backers will be listed in the book as part of me hearties (it's a pirate series so you know I had to go there). I may have gone a little overboard (heck-yeah, pun intended) when I added an option to name a crewmember or the villain in the book, but I love the idea of this series being about the fans as much as my world. Want to see the scariest thing I've ever done? Here's the Link.

What's Walk the Walk?

The Walk the Walk trilogy is a 1718, steamy, paranormal romance between Magda Dashkovari the vampiress and Branko the slave-turned-pirate.

(Read the first three chapters of Walk the Plank here )

The first book in the series is Walk the Plank where we meet our heroes, flee the mainland, and assemble the crew of Patricia’s Wish as they outwit Blackbeard’s deputies, the Governor of Carolina’s henchmen, and the scientists who want our heroine. Branko doesn’t believe Magda is a vampire until she shows him, she’s more Sea Hag than fragile damsel-in-distress. Being a democratic pirate, Branko respects the strong woman she proves herself to be and desires for a romantic partnership with her. Unfortunately, Magda is in no rush to tie herself to another man after her marriage resulted in her body being sold to science.

Walk the Deck is the second book where Magda grows into her own on the high seas while fighting naval battles, visiting deserted pirate havens, and exploring her hot and cold relationship with Branko. The Golden Age of piracy is ending and most of the privateers have accepted a letter of marque to settle down or swung from a Sheriff’s picture frame. Our crew must find their place in a world which has left them behind while searching for the elusive treasure ship, The Amelia.

The final book is Walk the Night where Magda’s vampiric immune system catches up with her. The crew’s recent visit to a plague-ridden Nassau has resulted in an infection to anyone who is not native to the region – including Magda. Branko enlists the help of a Hoodoo priestess but magic always comes with a price…and she’s asking for Leaf, the wildcrafter and ship’s cook, in exchange.

Where can you weigh anchor with Branko and Magda to collect your share of the Walk the Walk plunder? Here's the KickStarter Link for the prices of backer levels, the rewards, and more details on when we are weighing anchor.

Branko and Magda fight for survival in a whirlwind of action, witty banter, and flirty winks on the high seas. I wish I was so calm in rough waters. However, I'm embracing my inner pirate and setting out into the unknown to find my treasure chest or at least a story to tell me hearties on the decks. Will you join us to share in the plunder such as early cover reveals, discounted books, autographs, and exclusive book swag?

A Productive Rant About Setting Writer Goals by Keri Kruspe

 

Goals?! Why do I gotta set goals? I don’t wanna…(insert slobbering whine)

Ahem, I digress.

Why, as a writer, should I set goals? Working for myself, I know what I have to do. Write, market, write some more… wash/rinse/repeat.

Right?

Maybe. It depends on what you want from your writing career. Is it a career or a hobby? Is it something you want to do in your spare time, something to do when you’re bored? Or, (like me) are you looking to replace your secular job with your own business? Do you plan to replace your income with a steady inflow from your writing?

While goals were a big part of my previous secular life, I didn’t apply them to my personal writing career at first. During the various training sessions I worked through that first year, one thing kept repeating itself… make goals to achieve your dream to be a full-time writer.

I admit, I had a deep craving to take control of my writing life. I refused to be one of those people who went through life feeling like I never seriously tried to grab my dreams.

“Never quit. It is the easiest cop-out in the world. Set a goal and don’t quit until you attain it. When you do attain it, set another goal, and don’t quit until you reach it. Never quit.” -Bear Bryant

Dare to Dream Big

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” -Les Brown

I’m all for trying different things to become a full-time author, even doing something I didn’t enjoy in my secular life such as making goals. Author and poet Bill Copeland states, “When you don’t set goals, you can spend your whole life running up and down and not achieve anything.”

That really resonated with me. Not only was I trying to learn how to write, but there was a lot to do once I finished the novel I’d worked so hard on. The word overwhelmed barely scratches the surface on how I felt. I kept losing track of what had to be done to launch a successful book. In my mind, I only had one chance to make a good first impression with my debut novel.

While having a dream is everything (you gotta know what you want), you can’t get there by wishing a beautiful fairy will come and sprinkle glittering dust to make it happen (Yeah… and that magical being had better look an awful lot like a bare-chested Jason Momoa). *Sigh* We all know that’s not going to happen.

A true goal is something you can measure. Something you can set into time-sensitive steps and check off when done.

Decide What You Want to Accomplish

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.” -Lawrence J. Peter

Just like you, before I get in my car, I have someplace in mind where I want to go. I don’t expect the car to take off on its own without me steering the wheel with my foot on the gas (at least, not yet!). Even then, I’m not going to drive around aimlessly, I have a destination in place. Why should I expect my writing career to be any different?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” -Zig Ziglar

It’s my responsibility to get the tools I need to keep track of what I’m doing as well as when I’ve got to get it done. If I feel things are out of control, I’ll be bombarded by anxiety, worry, and doubt. It’s important to keep focused on what matters most.  This will help to keep those negative emotions at bay. As I get close to achieving my goal, I can revel in what that would feel like once I do. Maybe reward myself with something fun and delicious….

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” – Henry Ford.

Psst... It's Not Too Late

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis

I’ve heard the age excuse a lot lately. Throw away those away! You know, like the one that you tell yourself you’re too old. Bull hockey! John Glenn was the oldest astronaut in space at the age of 77 in 1998. Well, until William Shatner did it last year at the age of 90. Dimitrion Yordandis was 98 when he finished a 26-mile marathon in 1976. In 2017, Irish racer Rosemary Smith became the oldest person to drive a Formula 1 car at age 79. 

As I enter the winter of my life, I plan on aggressively pursuing my dream of becoming a bestselling author (not picky – NY Times or USA Today) come hell or highwater. I have daily/weekly/monthly goals in place so I can achieve that within the next five years.

To keep track, here are some examples.

This first one is the pretty picture I make for the month – which I post on my corkboard in my home office so I can keep what I need to do at a glance:

1. Send WIP to ELF (my editor)
2. Complete 16 hours of marketing
3. Complete "1st 10,000 readers" (an online training course)
4. Create the outline for my next book

The one below is the way I keep a daily track. Here’s how I did in December. Forgive me for being a color-coding nerd. Can’t help myself.

Another side note for using this: it’s a great tool to keep for your records for IRS purposes. Undeniable proof you’ve taken your writing career seriously.

No Rant/Just Examples

“The great danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” -Michelangelo

Here are some examples a writer can use to create strong goals:

Weak: Write better. Strong: Take two creative writing classes by X date.

Weak: Make a name for myself. Strong: Shore up my author platform through weekly social media updates and blog posts.

Weak: Make a living as a writer.  Strong: Create a financial plan with specific income goals and ways to meet them.

Weak: Get published. Strong: Take online courses on how to become an indie publisher by X date.

After you’ve set your goals, it’s easy to set them aside and forget them. Don’t get lulled into that thinking! The key is for your goals to be a part of your daily/weekly/monthly habit. 

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” -Henry David Thoreau

Success belongs to all of us – so go out and make it happen!

No Resolutions! Checklists work for me! Post by Jessica E. Subject

It's January again, and that means many people are talking about the goals and resolutions they want to accomplish in 2022. I gave up on those years ago. I get easily disappointed with myself if I do not accomplish things by a certain date. And when I'm working on something creative, like writing my stories, that can be disastrous. Sure, I have stories I'd love to publish this year (see below), but I don't have any dates set, and I know that plans can change, and other ideas often invade my mind.

(notice the crossed fingers)

So, what do I do instead? I use checklists!!

I have daily, weekly, and monthly checklists, and started using them at the beginning of the pandemic to stay focused. The format has changed a bit since then to become what it is now. Some of the items on my checklists are personal, and others are work-related. But I get great joy from checking off the little boxes. So much so, it motivates me to get them done. 

Above is a screenshot of part of this month's daily, weekly, and monthly checklist. (The weekly and monthly ones are listed at the unseen bottom part.)

DAILY

These are my more personal things to accomplish. I always want to get them done, but I never set a target. Simply working on them for any amount of time is enough for me. Some days I will work on them longer, and other days only for a few minutes. It depends on how much time I have that day, and whether I am able to focus for long periods of time. Under write, any work on my stories counts, whether it be planning, writing, editing, etc. Right now I am reviewing all three of my Kaddim Brothers stories and making sure my world bible is up-to-date. Reading can be anything, though I usually read webtoons, print books, and/or ebooks. Exercise is usually a class through my fitness studio. They're all online now, as we're in another shutdown, but I look forward to getting back to the studio, as the people there keep me accountable. And I'm trying to learn Korean. Have been at it for two years now. I know it's going to take a lot longer, but daily practice from multiple learning platforms definitely has helped me.

WEEKLY

These are work-related tasks; things I have to or should accomplish each week. They are for other jobs, or for writing-related promo. I usually have set days of the week I accomplish these tasks, but I keep them off my daily checklist, as the day I accomplish them can sometimes vary.

MONTHLY

These are tasks I do once a month, like this post on Paranormal Romantics, or my author newsletter. It's more a reminder for me to do them so I don't forget.

The key is, you need to find what works for you. Not everyone is the same, and it's important to recognize that.

So, what works for you? I'm always curious about others. Are you for goals and resolutions, or do smaller tasks work better for you? Do you need set dates and targets, or do you have a more fluid sense of accomplishment?

Until next month!

Resolutions, Goals, or Intentions, oh my!

 By Maureen Bonatch 

 

A new year, but often the same resolution for many people. Most confident that they’ll be able to keep their resolution. Otherwise, why keep making them? 

Perhaps because we want to start fresh with a new year, and it’s difficult to admit that sometimes we might be responsible for not achieving successful goals. 

The good news is that we’re not alone. Most don’t achieve them, but even knowing that, it’s a good idea to make them since they have a positive effect in giving us hope for the new year. The other good news is that you have options. 

Resolution or Goal?

A resolution is more of an overarching decision to do, or not to do something, while a goal involves more taking action to make it happen. You could also set an intention, or determine a word that you want to focus and work toward through the year. 

I’ve found that often my resolutions tend to be the same year after year, so last year I laid out specific goals. I achieved many of them this way—such as publishing three books in my new Charmed Cocktail Cozies—while others I continued to struggle with, such as the roller coaster of embracing self-care and health. 

For many of us we want to set a very high expectation, which we think would be fabulous to obtain, but it can also set us up for disappointment if we can’t live up to our own standards. 

This year I’m planning to try something different. I know, the year has already started, but it’s never too late to make a new goal, or resolution, or intention in my opinion. 

Stop, Start or Pause

I plan to decide what I want to start doing more of, and stop doing with the hope that these will help drive me toward achieving more goals and overall satisfaction. Because usually there is something that is interfering, or stopping us, from achieving those goals. Perhaps getting to the root cause of the issue might help me find success. 

For example. I have won NaNoWri almost every year, yet it is the only month I hold myself to that word count standard. 

I plan to: 

• Stop lying to myself about how I will make up my desired daily word count during a few days of the week. 

• Start setting structured word count goals and holding myself accountable for them. 

Another would be to: 

• Stop taking course after course looking for the ‘secret sauce’. 

• Start implementing what I’ve learned. 

I might also decide to put some goals on pause. This might not be the right time to pursue them, but that doesn't mean that another time wouldn't work if I return to it later.

 How About You? Do You Make a Resolution? Goal? Intention? None of the Above, or Other? 

Check out this fabulous cozy mystery giveaway- maybe you can win some new books to start the new year! Enter RIGHT HERE.

Just a small-town girl, Maureen Bonatch leads a double life. She lives in a magical world as a novelist, and as a nurse leader in reality. Maureen’s first novella was a paranormal romance published when blogs were a new-fangled thing. She’s since changed her focus to writing paranormal cozy mysteries as M.L. Bonatch and urban fantasy as Maureen Bonatch. 

 While she’s not busy writing or doing nurse-things, she’s a mom to her twin daughters, bicycling in the beautiful woods of PA with her hubby, doing the bidding of a feisty Shih Tzu, and dancing as much as possible. She believes music can be paired with every mood, laughter is contagious, and that caffeine and wine are essential for survival. 

 Find M.L Bonatch on Amazon or  Keep the conversation going by joining my Facebook Group right HERE!

Happy New Year! by Diane Burton

 

Did you stay up last night to usher in 2022? I hate to admit that staying up until midnight is getting harder each year. 😀 Last year at this time, I was looking forward to the new year, knowing it had to be better than 2020. Hah! Still, I'm confident 2022 has to get better.

Janus, the Roman god of beginnings, is often used to depict the new year. The old man is looking to the past, while the young man looks to the future. It's no surprise that the month of January, the beginning of the new year, is named for him. 

Gates or portals are also symbols of Janus. When we open a gate, we're going forward as well as leaving something behind. A transition, if you will. On January 1st, we transition to a new calendar year. Who knew when we entered 2020, what changes lay ahead? A pandemic of proportions unheard of since 1918 hit the world with disastrous results. So, when we learned a vaccine was available early in 2021, we figured that was the end of it. The optimistic me shouted "hurray" while the cynical me said "yeah, right." Here we are, almost 2 years into the pandemic, with another variant of the virus filling hospitals to capacity. 

Janus also symbolizes change. Boy, oh boy, have we had to make changes in our lives. I don't need to tell you that! Despite quarantine, or maybe because of it, we've developed or expanded on new ways of meeting--Zoom, FaceTime. A new phrase entered our vocabulary: binge-watching. Were we just wasting time or filling our creative wells? 

Change is never easy. It takes us out of our comfort zone and tosses us into new situations. We either "go with the flow" or flounder. Being flexible makes change a lot easier.

Traditionally, the new year marks a new beginning, a time to make changes in our lives--also known as resolutions. I prefer to think of them as goals. As professional writers, a good business practice is to make a one-year plan plus 5- and 10-year plans. Sometimes, it's hard enough making a weekly plan. 😄 

Nevertheless, I'm determined to make some changes in my writing life. One of my goals is to be more visible online. Other than my once a month post here and a monthly post with the Insecure Writers Support Group blog hop, I've neglected my blog. That's changing today with rejoining the Weekend Writing Warriors weekly hop.

Why make myself more visible online? I plan to release at least 2 books this year. That's going to "force" me to make several changes, including (but not limited to) reduce my binge-watching.

Small changes. Baby steps. A renewal of my writing life.

What changes are you planning for 2022?

Bite Me for Christmas by @meganslayer #vampires #romance #witches #hotread #newrelease

 Holidays got you down? You're stressed? Tired? Want to escape from it all for a little while? Then pick up a copy of Bite Me for Christmas. This hot vampire and witch paranormal romance is a great escape from the madness of the holidays and it's steamy, too! Plus, if you buy a copy on Changeling Press's website, you'll be entered to win free books for a year!! 

Check it out!

 

Bite Me for Christmas by Megan Slayer

Contemporary, Paranormal Holiday Romance

MF interaction, Age Gap, Vampires, Witches

15,000 words

From Changeling Press

Cover Art: Bryan Keller

 

Rachael isn’t good at magic, and she’s not versed in life, but this witch wants to lay her hands on the sexy vampire who’s come to her in her dreams. She wants just one thing for Christmas wish -- her vampire.

Gavin wants the witch in his dreams, but he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of her. Part of him wants to devour her magic and save himself, but what if being saved doesn’t involve dying?

Anything is possible with a little Christmas magic.

https://books2read.com/u/4joVMj

https://www.changelingpress.com/bite-me-for-christmas-b-3274

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09L6N5CG5

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bite-me-for-christmas-megan-slayer/1140498081

https://books.apple.com/us/book/bite-me-for-christmas/id1594064927

https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/bite-me-for-christmas

 

Now for an excerpt 

All rights reserved.
Copyright ©2021 Megan Slayer

She left her bed and ventured over to the window. Santa might not listen, but she had to try. Christmas was in two days, and she had a Christmas wish. If anyone could come through for her, it was Santa.

She held onto the windowsill. She hated being interrupted before she reached orgasm, but she needed her vampire to be there so she could. He mattered. Him being real mattered.

“Dear Santa, I should write a letter, but this seems faster. I could conjure you, but if I did, I’d probably give you four heads or turn you into a dragon by accident. Anyway, I’m tired of getting three-fourths of the way to climax and not being able to finish. Why? I know this seems like a strange thing to mention, but I’m trying to have sex in my dreams -- which isn’t as good as the real thing -- and it’s with a vampire. He could kill me, but I’m drawn to him. I don’t know who he is, Santa, but I want him. My Christmas wish is for the vampire in my dreams to come to me in real life. He might destroy me, but he might be what I need, and I want to find out. I accept the risk. Please, fulfill my Christmas wish and put a vampire under my tree.”

She swore she heard other voices and paused. Damn it. Her sisters must still be awake downstairs and heard her moving. If they did, they’d want her to get to work on whatever chore they’d found. They treated her like their servant.

“Are you awake?” Serena, her oldest sister, called. “Rachael? If you’re awake, then there’s a sink full of dishes that need done.”

“It’s too early for her to be up,” Millie, her other sister, said. “She’s not awake. You’re imagining things.”

How could she sleep with the noise from her sisters downstairs? They treated her like a child and servant. The only way she’d have a chance at a life of her own would be to find the vampire and run the hell away.

“Please, Santa,” Rachael said. “I want my vampire for Christmas.”

Fruitcake: The Worst Dessert Ever by L. A. Kelley

December 27 is National Fruitcake Day where we sit around and sing the praise of the fruitcake. That takes all of about 10 seconds because it’s the worst dessert ever with the subtle piquant flavor of burnt popcorn and mud. Some of you may like fruitcake and I’m so sorry you were born without taste buds. Perhaps science will find a cure some day and you will finally understand why the rest of us gape at you in horror as you shovel the stuff in without gagging.

As a child, every year we were gifted with a fruitcake from an aged relative. She is to be forgiven since she grew up during the Depression when people were so poor, they only ate discarded clothing. By comparison, fruitcake was a small step up. The only way to make it palatable was to douse it in the strongest alcohol available. It didn’t improve the taste, but after one slice you didn’t care.

Fruitcake has a long, inglorious history. The ancient Romans made a mishmash of barley, pomegranate seeds, nuts, and raisins into a sort of energy bar; It was shaped into a cake and called a “satura.” Because it was easy to tote around and lasted for so long without going bad, Roman soldiers brought it to the battlefields as a snack. It was also used as a weapon against the Visigoths. Unfortunately, they had fruitcake of their own, so the battle was a draw.

During the Middle Ages dried fruits became more widely available and were mixed with bread doughs. To prevent spoilage alcohol was added to kill bacteria and taste buds. The preservative process caused these breads to last through a long cold winter. In Elizabethan times, fruitcakes often contained meat, fruit juices, sugar, preserved fruits and enough wine and sherry to choke a horse. After a while, the meat was eliminated. Why bother when you had that much wine and sherry?  More fruit took its place. Cooks began soaking fruits in sugar and drying them. Around this time, nuts were also added and then all of that slop was added to a heavy cake batter. It became known as "plum pudding” or “Blimey, what is this mess?”

In England, fruitcake is traditional at British weddings. It was customary for unmarried wedding guests to put a slice of fruitcake under their pillow at night so they could dream about the person they would eventually marry. (Eating it caused nightmares.) Fruitcake was also served to English Christmas carolers, which may be a reason it became so popular for the holidays. It was banned in the 18^th century when it was mistakenly thought to be the cause of a cholera epidemic, although some of us still have doubts.

Variations on the fruitcake sprung up in other countries. Italy's dense panforte dates back to 13th century Sienna; Germany's stollen, a tapered loaf coated with melted butter and powdered sugar has been a Dresden delicacy since the 1400s with its own annual festival. The Caribbean has black cake, a boozy descendant of Britain’s plum pudding where the fruit is soaked in rum for months, or even as long as a year. The tradition of making fruitcakes for special occasions such as weddings and holidays gained in popularity in the 18th and 19th centuries. It was a grand indulgence due to the cost of the materials, but how it came to be a Christmas punishment is a mystery.

Getting rid of fruitcake without actually eating it.

While December 27 is National Fruitcake Day, a little more than a week later, on January 7, comes Fruitcake Toss Day. Before the pandemic, one town in Colorado had an ingenious solution to unwanted fruitcake. Manitou Springs held a contest to see who could throw their fruitcakes the farthest and with the greatest accuracy. People built catapults, slingshots, or just hurled the cakes by hand. Lest you mourn food going to waste remember this is fruitcake, banned by the Geneva Convention as a weapon of mass destruction. Also, competitors were required to bring an edible donation to the local food bank. Anything except fruitcake. Let’s hope the tradition continues. That fruitcake won’t toss itself. So get out there tomorrow and hurl your fruitcake across the street to the neighbor’s yard and then run like hell so they don’t spot you and hurl it back.

L. A. Kelley writes science fiction and fantasy adventures with humor, romance, and a touch of sass. Many consider her a fruitcake.

 

Happy Holidays by Nancy Gideon

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Nancy

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